fate or decisions


How many, will see the dreams of future days or will they drift away unknown by the many who yearn for hope and destiny. Dreams are the makers of men and of sovereignty but can be the destroyers as well.

These are the visions that urge us in our waking hour. Beyond dreams we walk, our path will reveal our destiny or will our destiny reveal our path. It is this unknown concept that spines swiftly towards chaos. Unwittingly, men do not know which winged angel is to be followed, if at all.

This is why, travels always cause despondency when it reveals a fruitless endeavor. Whether we are guided matters not if our path has not produced what our hearts desire. so chaos flickers in each of us when our dreams are unrealized. And our struggle will continue whether or not, destiny comes before or after the walked path.

written by Marlo Suderski


transparent isolation

A Deaf Cry

deathless shrieking echo of a drop
drips to profound depths of emptiness
daggers prevail as they are plunged continuously
deep into the heart of a love

try to here the sound
feel its presence

it is the cry of a porcelain doll
anguish emptiness chaos and fear
are all sounds of its daunting tears
unable to move
she tries to cry out
howls of pain
shrinking echoes of tears
the cry of her voice lingers through walls of empty ears

hold me
touch me
accept me
can you see
I am here

written by Marlo Suderski


circular motion

Deminishing Light

In my darkest night, thoughts race rampantly through me. I am in motion, though still, animosity flows. It travels the length of my soul. It is my existences. It is the impossibility of change. I speak of true change from what I have become. A monster of uncontrolled existence, of impulsivity. To me, I can not see an end. It is impossible since the sight of my eyes do not encompass my actions. Rationale, is a concept which I have clung to in my state, in my existence. I believe in my mind and in my heart there is the purity of good intentions. But, my intentions are lead astray by my wayward existence. I am lost and each passing moment has continued to lead me farther and farther from what is right. Righteousness does not exist in my world. It is only through the eyes of others which leads me to the path of salvation. Sadly, often it is my darkest hour which reflects from the eyes of loved ones. The revelation of my confusion is often useless, since its late hour has brought me to the point of no return. I have destroyed my foundation and I teeter on the brink of devastation, bringing with me the love of my soul. I speak of my soulmate. He does not deserve this fallen life. His loyalty is undeserving. Though without it my walls would crumble, my world would cease to exist and I would lay down and die. He is the glue which holds me together. He is the one who has provided the tiniest ray of light and warmth in my life. I am saddened by my continuous acts of destruction- which rips at him like a dull blade which mutilates his flesh. Oblivious, I continue to destroy his world over and over. He is without soul and it is I who has pulverized it. Remorse beats through my heart and flows in my veins but a change never remains. Only momentary knowledge of my destruction ever exists. Swiftly, i am once again encapsulated in the confusion of my world. Blind to the darkness of my ways. Once again clouded by my wayward good intentions. Chaos runs rampantly once again. And the blade rips deepening his wound which has no end.

written by Marlo Suderski

finding yourself

Is It A Question of Healing?

There are moments in my life which seem to last forever.Each breath I take may only last a single second-lingers on into eternity.

It is the compounding nature of life that bares the weight of a load which is impossible to carry. As life proceeds, each step must be carefully placed, so as not to stumble under the great weight of these travesties.To stumble will bring about an avalanche of emotions which will bury the soul. One can only hope that this will not bring about the end of all that comforts and relieves a weary soul and a troubled mind. And if this tumble is inevitable, how will one find their footing after one falls?

This question has plagued my thoughts for the many years I have struggled with this disorder.

I have been told, that time heals all. But how much time is needed to heal a wound which is constantly opened under the great weight that life bestows upon us.The answer can not be found in any book, or taught by any teacher. It is a answer which can only be found after searching within. This answer resides within all of us. This great weight will only lessen as it is revealed.

This brings about another troubling question.The trials of life which forms the monstrosity which we bare, inevitably confuses the mind and impairs the senses. One can become lost in even the most familiar surroundings. One loses the ability to rightfully exist in their own space-their physical body. If the mind is lost and the body alien. How does one self-examine the soul to cure this persistent wound which plagues their life? Which if not tended to, will eventually crush and deaden you spirit, emptiness shall reign and you will be but a shell of the person that you were born to be.

Marlo Suderski
Hospital 1/8/07

in the beginning

Disclaimer: This essay was written in response to a discussion in my communications course, speech 103, debates, in college. The topic was "abuse in families and its effects on children". The truth of this essay rests in the hands of the many classmates vocalizing their thoughts over this much deserved but difficult topic. This essay may be difficult for some to read but it is deserving of attention and debate. I am also making it very clear that this is not a true story it is only my emotional reaction and interpretation of the debate in class that day. I titled it "In The Beginning" because it is relating to the circular motion which occurs in many of these situations.

A Child's Legacy

due to much confusion regarding the "reality of this post" i have decided to withdraw the post. Although i made it clear that the essay was fiction, many viewer regarded it as truth. I apologize for any problems that may have arose due to this post. And the fact that future viewers are not able to read it.

marlo suderski



I want to make it abundantly clear, not all of the essays/stories on this blog are true. They are meant to reveal the intensity of emotions which i experience as a person with an unstable form of bipolar disorder.


Theory Or Fact


Ones destiny takes form with each moment of existence. Each experience shapes who we are in the presents of a particular day. So we are but a reflection of our past existence. Or are we more?

As the multitude of years past, we slowly become the creature of our existence. But it is an individual day that mold us into who we are. Our ideals are but reflections of our past as well as present moments in life. The school of life is existence. But, each individual teaches themselves what to extract from the day to form their present ideals.

As a student of life individual growth is internal and the perpetuation of such growth may only occur with open eyes to the surrounding world. Moments of life provide the possibility of personal change but this change may not occur if the student becomes blinded lacking the sight for internal growth which brings about change. If this growth is stunted the individual dies, and a internal pit forms at the core of existence.

The past thereafter, will not relinquish it self as past moments it maintains its existence in each day and holds the possibility of existence in tomorrow as well. It is only with the release of the past that frees tomorrow into a brand new day. It is the present that has the ability to change who we are and what we will become till the end of a day. As each day draws to its end, a new mold is made and imprinted with what we will be in tomorrow.

So, it is possible, to learn new ideals as long as we remain self-motivated student of the present and express our new formed knowledge in the next day. Once past moments have been shape with presents ones the past is no longer finite.This is how one can exist in the present without expressing moments of the past. With eyes wide open we will always change.

written by- Marlo Suderski
fall 1996